missing my mom

I have been trying to find the time to write and it seems like things have been so crazy lately. It has been good because I haven't had much time to think about things but then maybe that is not good. I went to church today and I couldn't stop crying. I feel so good there but then I also feel overwhelmed. I felt like God was sitting there next to me and like the pastor was talking directly to me. He said, No one loves you like your parents and no one loves you like your family and friends and no one loves you like God. Each and everyone one of us matters to God. It is just amazing that no matter what goes on in life that God is here. I guess I am at a point in my life that every word that I hear and read really sinks in because I am hurting and depressed. There was a family at church that sang and performed and It was truly amazing. One of there sons wrote music and sang and played the piano. He wrote a song about how amazing God's love is. In his song he talked about God created the moon and the stars but his greatest creation is you and I. It just touched my heart because it is so true. It was so awesome to see that young man (16 yrs old) create such a beautiful song like that. It is so amazing to see how God works in so many different ways and is so many lives. The pastor talked about God being there for everyone when you are at your worst and on your knees and I can just imagine him there with his arms open wide waiting for me to hug him. I wonder...how can anyone listen to God's word and the songs that were sung today and not cry?? I sat there in church just wiping my eyes in complete awe. God is so amazing!

Every time I think I am doing better coping with the loss of my mom, I feel like I have a mental breakdown. I have been feeling anxiety and stress big time. I feel like my chest is being squeezed and I can't breathe. I am trying to deal with everything and I don't want to get on medication but I guess I will make a doctor's appt to see what he recommends. I really need counseling too. It is just finding the time that is the hardest thing right now.
I miss my mom so much. It is still unreal how she is not here. We got together as a family on Saturday but it is so sad knowing that these are the things that we did with mom too and she is not here anymore. The mind is a powerful thing and how can I talk to my mom for 29 years and now I have to retrain my brain to basically erase her from my memory because I can't call her anymore and see her. It is just not fair. It is times like this where it just hurts so bad. I can't imagine any pain that is worse than this. It just sucks. It is so scary how you can love someone so much and know that one day a time will come where that person won't be here anymore. I know that I will see her again in heaven but it is so hard being here without her now!! God must have plans for me and all I can do is try to figure out what he wants me to do until the day I go to Heaven!